for colored boys

So, I read a review about Tyler Perry's new movie For Colored Girls today that I had to respond to. The author of the article, a man, basically bashed the movie for it's portrayal of the black man.While I could provide an excellent rebuttal of some of the accusations and also point out the many negative portrayals of the black woman in the media, I can see the authors point. Unfortunately, the portrayal of black men and women in the media leaves much to be desired. Instead, as a black woman, I wanted to lift up my brothers. While there are many negative experiences I could recount, I must say I LOVE the black man...just like my Sisters, I love the diversity of the black man...from smart and clean edged, eccentric and poetic, athletic and strong, political and opinionated, spiritual and deep, even the one's with a little roughness about them. The black man is the love of my life! There are many good black men out here. For every negative experience I've had, I can name a positive experience with my Brothers. I know many black men who are excellent fathers, grandfathers, uncles,brothers and cousins, loyal and faithful husbands, constant and platonic friends, spiritual advisors and partners, etc, etc, etc....MOST black men are not criminals, on the down-low, fresh out of jail, addicted to drugs, abusive, uneducated, womanizers, etc, etc...Like most PEOPLE there are good and bad apples in every bunch. The first black man I ever loved was my Daddy.  Like alot of young black people, I was the product of young teenage parents. So I am not going to lie, there have been some trying and disappointing moments in our daddy/daughter relationship. However, one thing I could always appreciate was my daddy's presence in my life. The influence he has had on me and the memories I have are priceless. My love of music, my ability to laugh at myself, forgive myself, my shyness, my spiritual growth are all things I owe, in part, to my daddy. I was blessed enough to have a father who could be both strong and sensitive, laugh and cry in front of me, admit wrong-doing, has a strong faith, is spiritual, and who shows thanks for the relationship he has with his children. I love that I can count on my daddy to cook a meal for me, and when we sit down at the table to share the meal we have the best conversations! One of my favorite childhood memories is my daddy running up to hug me after playing basketball...this was a tradition...after each game, he would run up, all sweaty, and give his "baby girl" a hug (yep he took his little girl with him to his playground games!)...I would squirm and try to run, but all the while I couldn't wait for that hug...LOL...I also remember a bedtime game we used to play where I would hide under the covers and he would pretend to not be able to find me, once he did, he would lift me up and fly me around like I was an airplane and tuck me back in the bed and give me a kiss...I also remember, him trying to do my hair as a little girl...LOL...can we say disaster...or the one and only time I remember him spanking me (which was more like a pop on the hand) and he felt so bad when I cried we went to get ice cream...LOL...Like I said earlier, it wasn't all peaches and cream. I am also a product of divorce, so their are alot of sad memories that were created as a result of being the child of a young father, but life goes on and at the end of the day it is what you choose to focus on...Now, I focus on the relationship and friendship I have with my daddy and knowing that I always was and always will be his "baby girl"! Is my daddy perfect? NO! Is the black man perfect? NO! Like my daddy once told me, "I've got a lot of atoning to do"....so does the black man. Does this mean we should love the black man any less? NO...while we hold our brothers accountable, we should always remember to lift them up and celebrate them..To my sisters, if you know or have a good black man, make sure you do what our foremothers have done for years, hold him down (slang for support him), lift him up, praise him, respect him...and make sure he gets the big piece of chicken! LOL ....So to the author of that article, please don't commit homicide brother...the rainbow is enough!

He's misunderstood, some say that he's up to no good around the neighborhood
But fo' your information - alot of my brothers got education....
Black Brotha, I love ya, I will never - try to hurt ya
I want ya, to know that, I'm here for you - forever true- Angie Stone

recovering, undercover, overlover

So I had a great weekend! I was a little apprehensive about the weekend to be honest, because I was returning to Raleigh..or the scene of the crime, as I like to sarcastically call it. Raleigh is pretty much were I have spent most of my adult life..and experienced most of my love and heartbreak. There are only three men in my life who I can ever say I was "in love" with and they all live in this area. So coming here brings on a bag of mixed emotions....in the past I would numb myself with lots of partying but now (Praise God) I've learned to sit (literally) in peace and deal with the ghosts and demons of the past. It's funny because my girlfriend with whom I am staying literally lives up the street from my old home...surprisingly, for the first time it didn't pain me to stay here. I didn't feel like I was up the street from my former home and life...I felt like I was visiting my girlfriend. Major breakthrough for me. I guess time heals all wounds. Another great moment of the weekend was going to see "For Colored Girls" with my friends. This movie was very emotional for a lot of reasons. It was easy to identify with the women in the film. Most women would not want to admit to being able to identify with the traits of these women, but sadly I would bet the farm that everyone could identify with at least one character. I found myself identifying with ALL but one. There were some great moments in the film, but my favorite was when Loretta Divine said, "Someone tried to take my stuff!" I realized in that moment that someone had tried to take my stuff too! Someone tried to take my trust, my compassion, my kindness, my weakness, my willingness to love unconditionally, my ability to see the best in people, my ambitions, my sense of self, my self-worth, my self-confidence, my fearlessness, my optimism, my belief in love, even my faith...yes, someone had seriously tried to take my stuff!   Not just one someone either! It was in that moment that I realized I had to admit my addiction, "Hi, my name is Jamila, and I am a love addict" LOL (it's really not funny but a defense mechanism...I blame this little character trait (laughing) on my daddy)...In my quest to detox myself I have turned the complete opposite..now no one gets in, because no one is going to take my stuff!! Right?? Well, guess how that's been working out for me? So here I am as Erykah Badu proclaims a "recovering under cover, over lover"...the good news is I am in recovery..I am recovering all the things that I allowed people to take from me...and it feels good! In the movie, the women go around and complete the sentence "My love is too...to be thrown back in my face!" Well my love is too "forgiving" to be thrown back in my face. So I realize I can't be an "over" lover but I cant be an "under"lover either. All I can do is love...but the biggest lesson I've learned is that I was created to be loved, I deserve to be loved, and I am loved...even if you (who try to take my stuff) can't. You well put together, emotionally stable, never been through nothing folks may not be able to relate, but this wasnt for you...
...So I am putting down my bags and picking up my stuff!

My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyer
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice? Jill Scott

Detours??

I had a great weekend with one of my best girlfriends. It had been a while since we were together, so we were looking forward to our girl time. The plan was to go to Asheville to the see the leaves change. All week, my girlfriend was asking me some specifics about the trip, and each time I never had an answer. I figured we could just be spontaneous. I enjoy a little spontaneity and plus it seems that lately whenever I make plans something always goes wrong. So perhaps there was a little bit of self-preservation going on too. Anyway, we embarked on this journey to Asheville and all of a sudden I see a sign for a Gorge.( I became enamored with gorges after a business trip many years ago where I saw my first gorge. It was so beautiful. If you haven't seen one definitely add this to your list of things to do.) I yell out, "a gorge!" My girlfriend looks at me and says, "wanna go?"...so off we went, taking a detour from our scheduled trip to Asheville to look at the beautiful fall colors of the leaves and for some shopping and lunch. Little did we know we were about to embark a great adventure, filled with all kinds of high jinks, amazing views, lots of walking, and experiencing the awesome wonder of God through nature. We had a great time! This was a planned detour, but a detour nonetheless. We really didn't know how it would turn out and as we started going further up the mountain and the roads became winding and narrow, we started to think "umm, was this a good idea?" Still, we pressed on to our new destination, sometimes laughing and sometimes in nervous silence. We tried to diffuse our anxiety on the mountainous roads with old school music and singing, but it was clear we were both a little afraid. However, getting to the mountain, traveling through the beautiful forest, and seeing water falls made it all worth it.

This trip reminded me of my life. It has been filled with some planned and unplanned detours. Like most people, as an adolescent I had a clear plan of how my life was going to go. I even remember filling out my Senior book and answering the questions, "where will you be in 5 years...10 years..20 years?" Let's just say, I am not where I thought I would be, but I'm still grateful because I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I've had some bumps and bruises, anxiety, ups and downs...but I've met some wonderful people along the way, made lifelong friendships, and had some great (and not so great) experiences. Like the trip, there have been moments when I wondered "What in the world was I thinking?" or where I felt anxious, nervous, or afraid. But, there have also been moments when I kept going towards my destination or goal and despite all it took to get there, it was all worth it. It was those moments that made me further appreciate the awesome wonder of God, because I knew he had a plan for me. If you really knew my story, you would really be able to appreciate where I am now, because of where I have been.  I pray that whatever detours my life may take that I can always see the beauty in the moment. I believe detours, planned or unplanned, can lead to roadblocks or great adventures...it's up to me! As the old folks say, "I wouldn't trade nothing for my journey."

I definitely wouldn't trade anything for the trip my girlfriend and I took this weekend!



Because you never know where life is gonna take you
and you can't change where you've been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose....India.Arie

The mind of man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps. Psalm 16:9

Who do you think you are??!?

 Lately, I have been baffled by men, well let's just say some men...and especially the experiences with men some of my friends and I have been having lately. I was in an angry place yesterday, but the one whom offended me did see themselves and offered some version of an apology. So thanks, but that ship has sailed buddy! Anywho...the worst part was not the offense but that I let someone's actions dictate my mood for the rest of the day. I hate that. I call these moments and people "time stealers". The thing about time is you can't get it back and the thing about "time stealers" is they usually don't give a  *&%$@ (as my momma would say "excuse my french" LOL). It's amazing to me how selfish and self-centered some people are...you can be in a "relationship" with a person for years and they will still look at you crazy when you have an expectation of them, or if they decide to explore their "options" they are quick to tell you that the two of you are not in a "relationship"...no matter that you supply the majority of their needs, physical, emotional, and otherwise (or so you think anyway)...no matter they have a key to your place, hang out with your family, say such special things to you, expect that you will be there for whatever and whenever...I mean these are all hypothetical of course!...at 36 years old no one is having a key to my place unless their name is on the lease or deed also LOL...but I digress.  I am talking about those things we do as women to say "I trust you" "I love you" "You can count/depend on me" "Choose me"...you feel me? From the simplest act of running an errand to the most cherished act of intimacy, alot of times we do these things for the wrong people and for the wrong reasons. Sometimes desperation, sometimes loneliness, sometimes hope, sometimes fear. Then Mr Time Stealer just skips off into the sunset, like they didn't do anything wrong. Or they reduce the relationship to a physical one. Or they manipulate you into staying into a situation only because it's comfortable not because they love and cherish you...or they play on your fears, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, or the worst, they become apathetic..Before all the men starting biting their cheeks, this is not a male-bashing. This is just some commentary on some women's experiences with some men...NOT all men. I know some wonderful men who are wonderful fathers, husbands, boyfriends, brothers and uncles...so this is not about those men! This is about the "time stealers."  The one's that leave me thinking "who do you think you are?" Who do you think you are that you can't honor the one's who are responsible for bringing life into the world?...The one's who know how to literally make a "dollar outta 15 cents"...The one's who raised your children when you couldn't or wouldn't be there...the one's with "hips, lips, and fingertips"...No diss, the female species is a beautiful thing, but the Black woman...well I'll let you finish that statement...so as I said, "who do you think you are?"
....then I had a light bulb moment..."who do YOU think you are?" was the question that I had to pose to myself and a few of my friends. Who do you think you are?...someone not worthy of commitment? someone not worthy of an honest and respectful relationship? someone worth only a phone call at some strange hour to do "you know what", only to roll over and see the back of someone walking out your door? someone who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with someone you love? someone who has to settle? someone that no one will love? someone who is not good enough? someone with a generational curse?...again these are all hypothetical, but you feel me?

I know who you are...I know who I am...I am God's perfect creation. I am a daughter, a sister, cousin, auntie, niece, granddaughter, friend, godmother. I am love and I am loved by many.  I am a descendant of great queens, I am the product of fierce people who stood and died for something so I could have a better, more equal and just life. I must honor that. We as women must honor that. I really believe once we honor ourselves, men will have no choice but to honor us too. I was always taught to embrace self-responsibility. I can only control my actions. When I say "I", I mean "we"...I mean "you"...so, for now I am single and that is cool...trust it gets difficult, but if the options are "all of the above"...I'll take "none of the above"...however, I remain hopeful. If you are a spiritual person, I am sure you get very upset whenever someone defiles anything of God, so why do we allow others to defile us...are we not, his "workmanship"?

So, I ask you again...who do you think you are?

A rose is still a rose, 
Baby, girl, your still a flower
He can't lead you and then take you
Make you and then break you
Darlin', you hold the power... L. Boogie/featuring Aretha Franklin


There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  1John 4:18

Tricks are for kids...

I had to write this before I went to bed. I usually don't have this much to say (hahaha), but I guess tonight is one of those nights. Alot of things have been on my heart and my mind....the thing is the mind is a tricky thing. I even contemplated shutting this blog down, because my mind was asking, "what will people think?...Maybe you shouldn't have told people about something so personal...what are they saying about you?...are you sure you want to share this with facebook?...will people look at you differently?" The truth is I've hidden my RA for years because I felt ashamed, but then I thought what the hell am I ashamed about? I realized this is a trick of the mind or rather a trick of the Enemy. Today I experienced anxiety after going after an opportunity that may or may not come to pass. A little anxiety is normal, but it kept building and building! Trickery! I have friends (myself included!) who have fears about all kinds of things...especially matters of the heart. Trickery! The fear of failure can be so paralyzing that you don't even want to try to succeed. Trickery! Shame and fear are two of the biggest tricks of the Enemy.

I am a "facebook" head and I know people have their opinions about it. However, one thing I like about some of my fb buddies is their transparency. Along with the tv show commentaries, political statements, artistic posts, and tons and tons of pix, etc. You see peoples ups and downs. You see people who are accomplishing great things and people who rejoice in the simplest things in life. When I look at some of my "friends" it reminds me of something a friend of mine told me, when I was anxious and fearful about returning to graduate school. She said, "people who get through graduate school aren't smarter...they just work hard." In order to work hard at something you have to believe in yourself and not be afraid to fail. Isn't that the key to successful entrepreneurs? Now, I am not saying air all of your "business" to everyone, but never let fear or shame prevent you from giving your testimony. You never know how it might bless or encourage someone. The thing is this was never intended to be a RA blog or spiritual devotional. It was intended as a therapeutic journey for me and an expressive outlet, but as one of my girlfriends says, "let Him use you!"...so by any means necessary! So whatever your opinions are, good or bad, this is my story... my testimony...take it or leave it (but I hope it blesses you).

In the Bible, Satan is referred to as the "accuser". I think this is so powerful! He "accuses" us of many things...not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough...unloveable, depressed, lonely, shameful, fearful, and the ultimate accusation is that we cant be forgiven. Ha! Trickery! In the US Court system, we have the right to confront our accuser. In the spiritual realm, we have the POWER to confront our accuser....as for me "Not Guilty"!



Take Me As I Am MJB

Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: "Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down." Revelation 12:10

The Little Things...

I love the change of season..especially when summer turns to fall and winter turns to spring. Asides from hating how the winter affects my joints and the dangerous driving conditions, the reason I love the change to the mild seasons is because it is the time of year when I open my windows and let the fresh air in. As a young woman with RA there are many days where the little things mean alot. Being able to open a bottle of water, waking up without any pain, and just God's little blessing of allowing some fresh air in my home are all little things I appreciate so much. RA has definitely been a daily challenge but one thing it did was make me appreciate all the small things that we take for granted. Today was a pretty good day, but I woke up and it was raining. My first thought was here comes the pain! What the "old people" say about the rain is true! However, I got up and got moving without pain...see this is something that most people take for granted. Most people just get up and go and if it is raining their only thoughts may be,"let me make sure I get my umbrella and give myself a little extra time to make it to work on time". Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for a pity party. There are many things that I take for granted. When I pick up a book, turn on the tv, or start my computer I don't think about my being able to see, because I don't have vision problems. When I pick up the phone I don't think about being able to hear the other person on the other end. When I take a deep breath of the fresh air or walk up a flight of stairs I don't think about being short of breath or needing oxygen because I don't have respiratory problems. These are all things that I am blessed to not have to think about, but I am grateful for them. Oprah has talked about "gratitude journals" in the past. In my short life I have learned to keep my own "gratitude journal". Matter of fact, this blog is my public "gratitude journal". What are you grateful for? Whatever we walk with we have to learn to take the good with the bad, the bitter with the sweet, and focus on what IS and not what is NOT. If only I had truly learned this earlier. Oh well, you live and you learn.

(It's the little things) It's the little things
And the joy they bring, it's the little things
(The little things) It's the little things....India.Arie

...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  1Thessalonians 5:18

Having the patience of Chilean Miners...

I'm sure everyone is watching the amazing rescue of the 33 miners in Chile. I am not just amazed at the rescue, but at how they survived for 69 days, a half-mile under the earth! My goodness, what faith these men must have! And if there was one (or two, or three) who didn't have faith, what faith the others must have had to keep them encouraged and believing that help is on the way. I'm sure you have all heard sermons about, "He may not come when you want him to, but he is always right on time." Over the past 19 years, which is the extent of my adult life, I have heard that statement in church and from family and friends. Depending on the various trials, especially the RA, friends and family always encouraged me of the miraculous nature of God. Trust me I don't doubt the miracles of God, but I personally believe that God doesn't perform OUR miracles, but HIS miracles (ponder that). Also, I personally believe in order for God to perform his miracle or bless us, we have to do our part. When Jesus healed the Leper, the Leper had to approach him and ask. When Simon and Jesus caught an abundance of fish, Simon had to be obedient and go out deeper into the water. Even when Jesus turned water into wine, Mary had to urge him to first fill the pots with water. In order for the miners to be rescued, they had to be patient. In order for me to maintain my mobility and minimize daily pain and remain independent, I have to take care of myself and take my medicine. Whatever your need is, trust me you have to do your part too. A year ago, I moved to a different city, my marriage had ended, and I started a new career. People ask me all the time, how did you end up THERE? LOL...I always say I guess this is where God wanted me to be. I didn't even apply for the job I came here for, I actually applied for the job in another city. However, it was the perfect job for me to get the training I wanted, so I moved. It hasn't been easy, I am just starting to make social connections and I spend alot of time alone. Yet, this has not been a bad move for me. I have reconnected with alot of my cousins on my father's side of the family, unbeknownst to me I moved literally around the corner from my aunt and uncle, and my daddy is now right up the road. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a daddy's girl (for better or worse), so our relationship has continued to strengthen. The best part of all of this is I have learned how to enjoy my time alone. To paraphrase a character from Eat, Pray, Love, I've learned the "pleasure of nothingness." Also, I am starting to explore interests that I have ( I bought a camera to begin a photography hobby, I've visited art galleries, poetry events, and art festivals, I attended a Toastmaster's club, I am planning to go horseback riding for the first time, and I plan to try Tai Chi!). In addition, I've met some pretty cool people! It hasn't been easy, but I knew if I wanted to be happy here I had to do my part...but trust me there are still days when I am like, "I'm outta here!!" One of my "auntie's" (friends of my mom who LOVE me) told me "don't move too fast baby, you might miss your blessing!" So here I am evolving yet again, growing spiritually, finding new interests, meeting new people, and learning patience (definitely not my strong suit). Now, if I could just get a man! Ha (just kidding, kinda sorta lol)! Luckily, I've learned to trust God in all my circumstance and on the days when my faith is wavering I am blessed to have family and friends whose faith is strong enough to encourage me to remain faithful and to keep moving forward...God Bless the Miners!

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm40:1-3


Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer Romans12:12