winds of change

I feel really excited about the possibilities that lie ahead. This year is starting off pretty good, some things that I needed to let go or gone, some things I needed to change are changed, some things I needed to begin have begun. I think that is a good start. I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God, I am not where I used to be. I am really excited about some social activities I have coming up, getting involved in my community, and possibly joining a church. I realized over the last year I was in a self-imposed isolation, now it is time to come out and open myself back up to the universe. Sometimes we need to be isolated, to get alone with ourselves, the good, the bad, and the ugly, but you cant stay there. However, it is so easy to stay there, because it takes MAD ENERGY to be out in the land of the living. It takes physical, mental, and emotional energy! I realize it is okay to take time to refuel and rejuvenate and reflect, but I just have to make sure that I do just that! I have been traveling almost every weekend except one since 12/17 and I am TIRED. This weekend and for the next several weekends, I am looking forward to being in my own space, taking care of my home, getting rest and refueling for the next round of events. I still plan to get out and about, but it will be local...so I can sleep in my own bed! LOL. It's all about balance for me and I am working really hard to get balanced in all areas. I am also working on learning to "stay in my lane" and knowing what my strengths and weaknesses are. When I was married, my ex-husband used to always say to me, "you don't think you are a leader, but you are a leader." He would encourage me to "make things happen" and to create the life I wanted. I recall feeling very lonely and as a result of my desire for companionship I created a Book Club. I never imagined it would be as successful as it was, but it lasted for 5 years and we all went through life changing experiences together while reading wonderful books together. I miss the ladies in that book club so much, but I realize that everything isn't meant to last forever. Some things are meant to be precious memories and introduce you to people who will influence your life but may not be in your life forever. I remain close to many of my old "book club" members and we all have a bond that I believe will last for a lifetime, even if we don't see each other or talk to each other frequently. My book club taught me many things: 1) I missed reading 2) opening yourself up to other people can be a safe place 3) I am a leader 4) real women celebrate, motivate, and encourage each other 5) life changes so quickly so love the moment you are in

So here I am again, needing to take charge and create the life I want, needing to open myself up to others again, needing to truly nurture my soul through literature and scripture, explore my interests, and connect with the universe spiritually, physically, and emotionally. When you send love in to yourself, it can't help but be sent out to the universe, and when you send love out, then love comes back. It's the boomerang effect...what you put out is what will come back. If you want a friend, you must show yourself as a friend first. In life, it is truly what YOU make it...so one day at a time, I continue my journey....so glad the winds of change are blowing in my life once again!


Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19

Revolution>Resolution

So we are on the 11th day of January...how many of your New Year's resolutions have you kept? Resolutions are easy to make, but hard to keep. I realize it is really all about a renewing of the mind and those that are around you. Like your mother probably said, "birds of a feather flock together." My biggest resolution is to hang around positive people. I know life is hard and we all have negative experiences that we could harp on, but where does that really get you? I realize I am affected by other people's energy, so it is my goal to only surround myself with positive energy. If that means I lose a few people, oh well...what I will gain is worth so much more. I still plan to talk about life, my life...so it will be some negative in it, but I will always balance it with a positive spin. For example, my single woman plight continues. However, over the past few weeks I have met several men. Unfortunately, none of them panned out to anything. It's all good, because at least it reminded me that "mama's still got the mojo." LOL. The best part is that I am getting back out and opening myself back up to the possibility of love. I reflected on the place I was in 10 years ago when I met my future husband and future ex-husband (it's all good)....I was really in a good place. I was happy and I wasn't focused on my problems. I must have been putting positive energy out because my life was full of friends and men...lol...last year it seemed like I couldn't make any connections! Not just with men, but with females too...I know it was because I was being guarded. That came from being hurt by people I trusted and the guilt I carried from those I hurt. So this year I dropped those bags and opened myself back up. I realized even with all that hurt I am still standing, living, and moving forward. Most importantly, without all those experiences I wouldn't be where I am today or who I am today. So I count it ALL joy! This year will not be about resolutions...I take them all back...everyday I will just work on being a better, healthier, happier me..this year will be about a life revolution! It will be about getting BACK to happy, BACK to who God created me to be, BACK to me.


There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that~ India.Arie


You turned my wailing into dancing;
   you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy Psalm 30:11

Thank you

I don't know who you are but according to my stats people are reading this blog all over the world! While I may not know who you are, you know a little bit about who I am. Maybe my story is one you can relate to, perhaps you have struggle in your life...things you didn't know you could get past. Perhaps you too have found the ability to find joy in the little things. Perhaps you have found a way to thank God for good and the bad in your life. Perhaps you have found a way to "count it all joy". Perhaps you know what it feels like to experience loneliness and the joy and hope of love. Whatever your story is, perhaps you saw a little bit of your experience in my experiences or perhaps my experiences have made you even more grateful for your own. Whatever your reason is for reading, thank you for taking the time. Blogging has been very therapeutic for me. It is helping me dig a little deeper and go a little harder on this journey we call life.While I started this blog just for me...the biggest blessing I get is when I receive messages from others who can relate or messages just to say thank you for writing that today, it blessed me...I hope you keep reading, I know 2011 will bring about some exciting times, growth, and experience...teaching me more and more each day that there is truly "beauty for ashes".

Happy New Year! Catch you in 2011!

Transition

Well it is officially the last day of the year...2010 is coming to a close! It's been an interesting close of the year, but I remain hopeful. My biggest hope is that in the next year strongholds will be released from my life and from the lives of those I hold nearest and dearest to my heart. I read somewhere that 11 signifies transition...well I feel my life is going through major transition. I also feel like my family is going through major transition. It seems like yesterday, my cousins and I were all playing at my grandmother's house and our biggest obstacle was what rules we would follow for UNO, or who had to wash, rinse, or dry the dishes (not my male cousin, his only task was the garbage!). I grew up in a family of women. There is only one male per generation, for the last 4 generations, so we are a family of strong women. We had to be! Our mom's take care of us, even now and we are all close to 30 or in our mid-thirties (hard to believe b/c we come from such great genes you wouldn't know it...lol). Holiday dinners are always prepared by the "Momma's" as we call them with love, but they have started entrusting us to the side dishes...and we have gotten pretty good! However, now it is time for us to start making the main dish, the turkey,the ham, the roast...it's time for us to start taking the lead and let the "momma's" sit back and relax. It's time to pass the torch...as much as we hate it, it's a necessary part of life...we have to be prepared so that we can then pass the torch on as well. Change is not always easy, but it can be good. With change or transition comes the potential for failure but also the potential for success...so our turkey may not be as good as our mom's but it will be in time...and if we cant make it, we know how to order it! (Most people get a fried turkey anyway now) The point is, it's TIME.

I am blessed to come from a family where my "extended family" is my IMMEDIATE family. My cousins and I are more like siblings and my aunts are more like second mothers. I didn't understand how "different" we were until I became an adult and realized everyone didn't do it like my family did. I come from great stock...great women, who come from a great woman...strong women, who come from a strong woman....god fearing women, who come from a god fearing woman...resourceful women, who come from a resourceful woman. Even still there are strongholds that exist...out of respect for my family I will not discuss those here. I am praying that my family will break strongholds and continue to walk in the greatness from which we were created. It's time to transition, it's time for the little girl inside of us to take a back seat, as my BFF says all the time. With that transition, comes great responsibility, and with that responsibility comes great influence. I am ready to walk in my greatness...I am ready to transition.



I'm the daughter of a great woman, 
who is the daughter of a great woman,
now I'm just trying to be a great woman....JPF

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 1Cor13:11

L.I.P (Live in Peace)...Effective Immediately

Today we lost a musical legend, Teena Marie. Facebook lit up with lots of statuses giving her praise, links to her songs, and praying for her peaceful rest in eternity. I am sure her record sales will increase starting tomorrow. I remember when Michael Jackson passed away, I bought several cd's, t-shirts, dvd, and it seemed like I couldn't get enough of MJ. Now, I have to admit I want to get a best of Teena Marie cd (yeah I am behind on technology...lol), but I have never bought her music before. I have always liked her but I never felt moved to buy her music. Why is we often see value in people and things when they are gone? This year I also lost two peers, who I considered friends. Facebook has been great for reconnecting and staying connected, but there is still nothing like the human connection. I recall one of my friends passing away the morning after I had spoken to him. We all know death is a part of life, but when it comes it always seems to side-swipe us. I am a spiritual person, so I believe that people (who are believers) are definitely in a better place when they leave this earthly place. Still, even the most spiritual person feels a sense of loss when our loved ones leave. I can only speak for myself, so I won't speak for you, but for me there is always a sense of unfinished business, unspoken words, things I should have, would have done...I remember when my friend passed, I thought about the several times we planned to get together when I would be in town, but for some reason it never happened....it was always "next time"...then it was too late.

As humans, we take tomorrow for granted. We assume tomorrow I will do this, tomorrow I will say that, tomorrow I will forgive, tomorrow I will stop this, tomorrow I will etc, etc...but tomorrow turns into days, days turn into weeks, weeks to months, months to years. There are 5 days left in 2010. This is the time of year when many people reflect on the past year and make plans and "resolutions" for the next year. We all have done it, "in january I will...." As the saying goes, why put off to tomorrow, what you can do today? Prior to hearing of the passing of Teena Marie today, I had been reflecting myself...like most of you, I was planning my "resolutions". Saying, "in 2011 I am...I will...I won't"...but 2011 is 5 days away...this is the mistake we make...assuming tomorrow will be here. I remember as a child, my grandmother would have me say a bedtime prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." This prayer gives reverence to God, acknowledges that tomorrow is not promised, and submits a request that God will allow us to rest with him when we leave this earthly place. There are alot of things in my life that must be resolved, effective immediately. I can't wait until 2011, I can't wait until tomorrow. Time to forgive, call a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, embrace those I love and that love me, remove toxic people and habits, have a little more patience with others, pray more, make the right people and the right things a priority, and find joy in each day. I am sure I will stumble along the way, but I will do my best to take advantage of today and not take for granted tomorrow. Still, I look forward to what is to come tomorrow and in 2011, if it is my will to see it.  When loved ones pass we often say R.I.P (Rest In Peace)...well, death is guaranteed but while I can I want to L.I.P (Live in Peace)...Effective Immediately. I pray for comfort for the family of Teena Marie and for all families who have lost a loved one, but most of all I pray that those who have passed on had found a way to live in peace.

R.I.P Teena Marie...L.I.P family and friends......

Jesus said
"I am he who supplies all your needs"
And you said
"I know, but tomorrow, ooh, tomorrow, ill give my life
tomorrow, I thought about today, but it's so much easier to say...Tomorrow, 
who promised you tomorrow,
better choose the lord today, for
tomorrow very well might be too late.~The Winans



Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:13-14

This Little Light of Mine

Around 2AM there will be a total lunar eclipse! How exciting! I had to google what actually happens during a total lunar eclipse, it is when the earth, moon, and sun are completely aligned, with the earth in the middle. I started to think about this, I saw an image of the earth between light and darkness...however both the sun and the moon provide illumination. Then I started thinking about the word "illumination", so I looked it up. Definition: an observable property and effect of light (per wikipedia). Then, something (I say God) told me to see if there was a lunar eclipse on the day of my birth...I couldn't believe it when I saw that there was actually a partial lunar eclipse on the month, day, and year of my birth. So then I really started thinking. What could all this mean? I started thinking about my life...how I was born: to teenage parents, born with illness, my life: suffering with illness throughout my life, sexual abuse, my father not being in my home, great failures and great accomplishments, great loves and great heartaches, marriage and divorce, dreams accomplished, dreams deferred, dreams never to be seen....my adulthood: great friends, relationships ending, dependence, interdependence, co-dependence, and finally independence...my experiences: good decisions, bad decisions, happiness, depression, surrounded by loved ones, wilderness...darkness and light...night and day. I started to wonder what will be my "observable property and effect of light"? Then I looked up the word "eclipse" Definition: a temporary or permanent dimming or cutting off of light (one definition per wikipedia). Then I thought to myself, my light is God. I am so thankful that he is the creator of all things, therefore his light can never be eclipsed. So the sun and the moon (day and night/good and evil/lightness and darkness) have always continued to shine light on me, shine light on my situation, shine light on my growth, and shine light on who God created me to be. It's time to start walking in my light. Maybe that night on June 4, 1974 when I was born under a partial lunar eclipse it was to remind me that darkness will come (my light may be dimmed) but there is always going to be light (God, hope, love) over my life. So I am learning to walk in the light, to see the light, even when that light seems so small....I know it is there...it cannot be totally eclipsed. My decision is that I will not let anyone, any situation or circumstance permanently dim my light. I will not be eclipsed. Whatever your darkness is, I encourage you to walk in the light! I pray that my "observable property and effect of light" (my testimony) will be that I am God's child. What will be yours?

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his 
light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the 
glory of God in the face of Christ. 2Corinthians 4:6 

*I encourage you to read all of 2Corinthians Chapter 4* 

Game Over

Competition is meant for sports, jobs, and other aspects of life, but it is not meant for love. If you have to compete in love, you have already lost. I am a single woman, and it is not easy. Last night I was having a moment and I called my mom, and she knew just what to say. The thing I appreciate about my mom is she is willing to share her own experiences, openly and honestly. I think if people were a little more transparent we could see we are not crazy, everyone makes mistakes, and learn from the lessons of others. So I will admit, I have shared a man, sometimes knowingly and sometimes not. We all make excuses, "everyone is doing it...this is just how men are...it's not my problem...if she was keeping him happy he wouldn't be here with me...etc etc" The worst lie we tell ourselves, is that we can do enough, be enough, love enough that he will CHOOSE us. This is the very moment, when you have already lost the game. Once you become a player of the game, you become a loser of the game. Now I am sure there are some folks out there who can give a testimony of how their story didn't turn out that way, there are exceptions to every rule...but 9 times out of 10 you will lose. My mom told me last night don't be so desperate for companionship that you lose yourself or your integrity. Last year, I suffered a really bad hurt. I found out I was in a competition I didn't even know I was in. Honestly, I am still getting over it and the pain that came with it. I couldn't understand, how someone I loved so much, could hurt me so bad. My competitor and I talked and discussed the game we were both a part of it, and to be honest it was pretty sick. However, in the end I lost (or so I thought) because he was choosing her and not me. So through the pain, anger, and tears I have had a lot of time to reflect and evaluate. Often as women, we try to do things that we were not created to do. We try to play the games of "men" (who are really insecure boys) but that is not who we were created to be...so while we try to play the game, we always get played.

Sometimes the competition is not another player, maybe it's a job, emotions, a parent, friends..etc, etc....one thing I have learned in my 36 years is people are always right where they want to be and doing exactly what they want to do. Well, I've played this game way too long, reached all the levels, and my last man has fallen off the cliff...game over! Maybe I'm old school, maybe I believe the man chooses the woman, maybe I believe God created woman as a helpmate for man to cherish, maybe I don't believe in SisterWives (lol)...but whatever it is I know God didn't create me for objectification, degradation, humiliation, or disrespect. Like alot of my fellow sisters, I have a lot of love to give...I just have to give it to the right person...and the first person I must give it to is ME. So in the end, in my competition I didn't lose...I won...you who entered me into play..you lost. So however, you have to get out of the game, do it..forfeit...press reset..whatever you do make sure it's GAME OVER.


Why do I play? I’d rather play alone
I can’t play the fool anymore, no
No, I don’t need a game anymore, you could play the fool
I’ma play my hero, you gonna be a zero
I’d rather play alone, I can’t play the fool anymore
I don’t need a game anymore, you could play the fool
I’ma play my hero, you gonna be a zero
I’m playing the goodbye game...Chrisette Michelle