recovering, undercover, overlover

So I had a great weekend! I was a little apprehensive about the weekend to be honest, because I was returning to Raleigh..or the scene of the crime, as I like to sarcastically call it. Raleigh is pretty much were I have spent most of my adult life..and experienced most of my love and heartbreak. There are only three men in my life who I can ever say I was "in love" with and they all live in this area. So coming here brings on a bag of mixed emotions....in the past I would numb myself with lots of partying but now (Praise God) I've learned to sit (literally) in peace and deal with the ghosts and demons of the past. It's funny because my girlfriend with whom I am staying literally lives up the street from my old home...surprisingly, for the first time it didn't pain me to stay here. I didn't feel like I was up the street from my former home and life...I felt like I was visiting my girlfriend. Major breakthrough for me. I guess time heals all wounds. Another great moment of the weekend was going to see "For Colored Girls" with my friends. This movie was very emotional for a lot of reasons. It was easy to identify with the women in the film. Most women would not want to admit to being able to identify with the traits of these women, but sadly I would bet the farm that everyone could identify with at least one character. I found myself identifying with ALL but one. There were some great moments in the film, but my favorite was when Loretta Divine said, "Someone tried to take my stuff!" I realized in that moment that someone had tried to take my stuff too! Someone tried to take my trust, my compassion, my kindness, my weakness, my willingness to love unconditionally, my ability to see the best in people, my ambitions, my sense of self, my self-worth, my self-confidence, my fearlessness, my optimism, my belief in love, even my faith...yes, someone had seriously tried to take my stuff!   Not just one someone either! It was in that moment that I realized I had to admit my addiction, "Hi, my name is Jamila, and I am a love addict" LOL (it's really not funny but a defense mechanism...I blame this little character trait (laughing) on my daddy)...In my quest to detox myself I have turned the complete opposite..now no one gets in, because no one is going to take my stuff!! Right?? Well, guess how that's been working out for me? So here I am as Erykah Badu proclaims a "recovering under cover, over lover"...the good news is I am in recovery..I am recovering all the things that I allowed people to take from me...and it feels good! In the movie, the women go around and complete the sentence "My love is too...to be thrown back in my face!" Well my love is too "forgiving" to be thrown back in my face. So I realize I can't be an "over" lover but I cant be an "under"lover either. All I can do is love...but the biggest lesson I've learned is that I was created to be loved, I deserve to be loved, and I am loved...even if you (who try to take my stuff) can't. You well put together, emotionally stable, never been through nothing folks may not be able to relate, but this wasnt for you...
...So I am putting down my bags and picking up my stuff!

My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyer
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice? Jill Scott