Saturday, September 10, 2011

signing off

I think this will be the last blog I write in this format. I guess I am just a little exhausted with sharing myself, opinions, and emotions with others, because no one really seems to care. I have spent a lot of my life considering others, trying to find right word, worrying about others, thinking of their feelings all to just get smacked in the face a lot of time when I need them the most. I used to think I was a person that was pretty transparent with my feelings, but I realize I hold a lot in. That is my fault and my issue. I read a status from a friend and it basically said stop playing the victim, there is responsibility in victimization. I was like wow, what a light bulb moment. This exhaustion I feel is self-imposed. The anger I feel is self-imposed, because I allow people to treat me certain ways. I am the queen of letting stuff burn and not saying anything. Well, I cant do that much longer. However, I am also a believer in words hurt, so you have to be careful what you say. At any rate, I am at a point in my life where I can only speak the truth. There so much energy that I need to pour in myself, that is where my focus needs to be. I am determined to get to a place where I am physically, mentally, and emotionally well. I wish you all the same......

Monday, August 1, 2011


Well I finally made the big move and let's just say, things have not gone exactly as planned. This seems to be the story of my life. Thankfully time and experience have taught me not to expect things to go smoothly, so I wasn't shaken (too badly anyway) by the chain of events I've experienced. At the end of the day, I am happy to be home. Coming home is a strange thing, the familiarity is comforting, but returning to somewhere where life kept going with out you can also be very isolating. People are happy you are here, but don't expect a big homecoming celebration.. Life just keeps on ticking...Whether you go home or to an unfamiliar land, you still have to create your own life. Whatever conflicts you had internally or otherwise will still be with you when you unpack all the boxes and settle in. The people that were your support system before will probably be the same people who are your support system now (at least in the beginning). You are still YOU, just in a different place. Hopefully, the change you make in your life will present new opportunities to learn something new about yourself or about those in your family or even the city you are in. Hopefully, reconciliation will take place where it needs to, bonds will be strengthened, and goals will be achieved. My point is each chapter of life presents a new set of challenges but also many great benefits. When I reflect on the last chapter of my life, it is a story filled with many highs and many lows, but I know each of those experiences have made me who I am today. The last few years, were especially instrumental in the woman I am. I learned how to live and be alone, and how to really depend on God. I learned how to trust him, in the midst of the wilderness, and my faith was strengthened by that "wilderness experience." Having an unshakeable faith helped me to maintain through a crazy week last week. The old me, would have thrown up my hands and cried out "Why Lord? Why Me?" but the transformed me, cried out "Thank you Lord! I trust you!" The transformed me, sought to find the lesson that God was teaching me in my adversity...the transformed me turned to God for my answers and my peace. I'm so thankful, that He continues to work on me and that my heart continues to remain open so that I may draw nearer and nearer to Him. My best friend informed me that 8 is the number of new beginning, so I am very excited about this 8th month of the year. I realize now that last week had to happen to shake me up some, to cause me to reflect, refocus, and re-energize to prepare for my New Beginning. Whatever may go on in my life, I pray that I embrace my adversity because I know that it is just another opportunity for me to commune with my Creator and knowing that He only wants the best for me, is all the comfort I need. I thank you Lord, for the opportunity to praise your name!

See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake I do this. ISA 48:10,11

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:11-13

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Judge Not

If you have been watching the news lately, you have seen two stories of powerful men who had great falls. As a result of these stories there have been lots of debate about the judgement of these men. Judgement is something I hate, as a matter of fact I've gotten into many discussions with friends about judgement. I hate being judged, but after reading these stories it made me start to think more about judgement and what it really means. I, like these men, have had some great failures. Luckily for me, it wasn't broadcast for the world to see, but it still felt like the world was judging me. Does anyone have the right to judge? If you are a "believer" then you probably believe that judgement should be left to God. I agree with this too, but I also think that as believers or friends for that matter we should be able to call people out on their wrongdoing. Especially when it might prevent them from making the same mistake twice. I think we often learn, unfortunately, from our mistakes and the consequences we suffer as a result of these mistakes. The next thing I've been battling is forgiveness. If you forgive someone and choose not to associate with them anymore or in the same way, does that mean you haven't really forgiven or that you are judging them or their behavior? I don't think so. Sometimes, when you forgive, you forgive and move on. Sometimes when you disapprove of someone's behavior it doesn't mean that you are sentencing them to judgement, sometimes it means you have turned them over to the universe. Sometimes you recognize that the battle is not yours. Like, I said earlier I have had some great failures, and I am thankful for God's forgiveness, but I also know that I have to be and will be held accountable for my actions. I am a survivor of abuse, most of my friends know this, because it is not a source of shame for me. I have forgiven my abuser, but I still find it very hard to associate with this person. The biggest reason is because they have not acknowledged their wrongdoing. The other reason is because it doesnt make me feel good and makes me feel unsafe when I am around this person. The judgement for their actions will be left to God. However, I am free because I have forgiven them and moved on. When people tell you how to forgive and that you shouldn't judge, aren't they essentially judging you? My point is, we all judge in some form or another, but the ultimate judgement is left to God. Back to the two men in the news...we in society should not forget that we are all guilty of sin and we all have fallen short, but these men must acknowledge that they abused trust and power. If we choose to not hold them in a position of power anymore, that is our right. We shouldn't throw rocks but we definitely don't have to continue to shower them with praise, especially when they are blatantly wrong. Just as I had to suffer consequences for my behavior, so must these men. Just as I have been restored so can these men. My biggest prayer is that these failures cause these men to turn their eyes completely towards God, because clearly they took their eye off the prize. God has a way of making us acknowledge who He is and that He is he all powerful. He will humble us in our weakness and sin. If we are smart, we will get the lesson and repent to sin no more. Isn't it a blessing that God is our ultimate judge and that the Blood of Jesus is here to save us? Thank God we don't have to rely on man for that. Personally, I have learned to forgive because it frees me, most importantly I forgive because I want to be forgiven. I try not to judge because I don't want to be judged. I remove myself from situations because the battle is not mine, and it is not my load to bear. I pray because I want to hear from God and do what He would have me to do, not what you would have me to do. My level of forgiveness is between me and God, so judge not, lest ye be judged.

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. 2Corinthians 5:10

Sunday, June 5, 2011

the best is yet to come....

This weekend I celebrated my 37th birthday. It was such a wonderful celebration. The celebration actually began Memorial Day weekend when my cousins and best friend came up to go to a wine festival. This past weekend was probably one of the best I have had in a long time, I was surrounded by so much love it was overwhelming at times. Overwhelming in a good way that is...I have lived in this little town for the past two years and I spent the first year of it reserved, withdrawn, and in unhealthy relationships. Thank God I am who He created me to be, despite my attempts to be otherwise, because I allowed myself to trust and open up again. As a result of that, I have met and developed friendships that I will cherish forever. I also realized that I am finally free from my past pain. The thing about being hurt is that it causes you to not just lose faith or trust in the opposite sex, but in people altogether. However, I have learned some valuable lessons that I hope to carry with me. Whatever you put out in the universe will definitely come back. Put bad things out there and bad things come back, put goodness out there and goodness comes back. I know there are people who will argue with me, because they think they are loving people and they don't seem to get love back. I used to think like that too, but this weekend reminded me that I get so much love back. I am truly a blessed woman. Despite all that has happened, some good and some bad, I continue to view my life as blessed. I truly believe that God is preparing me for great things. At 37, I know the best is yet to come....

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Redemption Song....

Today is a beautiful day! I went out to one of my favorite brunch spots and enjoyed a yummy feast to get my day started. While I dined alone, I decided to read the paper. There was a story about a gentleman on the front page of the local section and the title was from "From Drug Addict to Employee of the Year". I started to skip reading it, but something told me it would be an interesting read. To summarize, the article was basically about an older gentleman's journey from drug addiction to salvation and redemption. It recounted his life, the mistakes he had made, crimes committed, the people he injured, and how a near death experience actually saved his life and was the first step in road to recovery from addiction. He came from a good family and like most people he had some troubling experiences in his life including molestation, trouble with the law, being an absentee father, being a drug dealer, and drug addiction. In the end after being beaten with in inches of his life, the one person in the neighborhood who still held compassion for him called the police. When the police arrived, the man begged the officer to arrest him...surprisingly he didn't have any outstanding warrants and had not broken any laws for which he could be arrested. Instead of taking the man to jail, the officer took him to Samaritans Ministries where they fed and clothed him. After a few weeks with Samaritan Ministries he decided to attend a local church and despite his less than desirable smell and appearance, strangers took interest in him and offered him assistance. Thirty days after his road to recovery began he began volunteering for a local program where he offered mentoring and guidance to individuals who were on the path he previously traveled. Later he went on to become a cook at a local restaurant. He spoke of how he tried to reconcile with his sons, it went well with one son and not so well with the other. Anyway, the article ended with him acknowledging his mistakes, apologizing for his transgressions, and accepting that he had to be held accountable for the choices he had made. The best part was seeing how he he had submitted to God and how the darkest days of his life prepared him for the brightest. He remained hopeful. As I read the article, with tears burning my eyes, it made me think of my own life. Often when we are going through our own dark days it seems like the days are darkest only for us. The reality is that most people face the same darkness, just in different circumstances.  The article reaffirmed that nothing is too big for God and the end, when we submit to His will...He will always get the glory. "But God", my journey could have mirrored this man's. Perhaps this was the path he had to take to get to what God ultimately had for him all the time. Like this man, my past is filled with mistakes, things I am not proud of, consequences for my actions, and lack of reconciliation. However, I believe all of my experiences were for me to understand just how big God is. It reminded me, that true peace comes from complete submission to God's will. It also comes from learning from mistakes and moving forward. As the man said in the article, some will always see him for who he used to be, and that's ok, because the one's that matter will see him for who he is today. For this man, he received his Redemption...and so can we. Thank God, if we are blessed to open our eyes each day, we can always be better today than yesterday.

I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed thee. Isaiah 44:22

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Spring is here!

Wow...I cant believe it has been 2 months since I've written anything. I guess I got distracted by life! Lots of good and not so good things have happened in the past 2 months. Some relationships ended, some began, others have been repositioned. It's spring time now and thank goodness winter is over! I know we should be thankful for all things created by God, and I know Winter served a purpose in my life...but my favorite time of year is Spring! It doesn't have the sweltering heat of Summer and it doesn't have the bitter cold of Winter. I also love Fall. I love Spring and Fall the best, because you get to see so many beautiful changes! Leaves changing colors in Fall, flowers blooming in Spring. In Fall it seems that we are settling down from the fun and hectic times of summer and in spring we are gearing up from the slumber and cold of winter. Also, spring brings about both the literal and figurative urge for "Spring Cleaning"! Let's just say I've been doing a better job of my figurative spring cleaning ( separating from people with negative energy, establishing better boundaries, eliminating people who dont serve a purpose in my life, and trying like hell to let go of the past!) than my literal spring clean (umm...there's still alot of crap in my apartment! LOL). Anyway, I am hopeful about what this spring will bring. A dear friend of mine is truly seeing God's love and promises manifested as she prepares to bring life to the world! My mother is venturing out as an entrepreneur, she is not only establishing a business but she is also providing a ministry (she doesn't know it yet, well maybe she does, but I know she didn't plan it). As for me, I am about to start yet another new chapter in my life. It's time to close the book on this one. It has been filled with love, pain, mistakes, regrets, transgressions, accomplishments, failures, reconnections, disconnections, new connections, but most of all I can see where it has been filled with tremendous growth. I used to feel like in the past few years I have experienced the  greatest failures in my life, and trust there were some big falls, but now I finally see how God had to move in MY life so that I could return my focus to HIM. I see how he never leaves nor forsakes me. I see how out of my pain came so much strength. I see how things that happened in my life led to me reconnecting with some friends. I must say I have some wonderful friends, I have a wonderful family. I am blessed to have support and love all around me. I am thankful that those relationships will remain in the next chapter. I recall many years ago, my old roommate said to me when you think about someone do you see them in the future, if not then why waste your time? Why hold on? She has never said truer words. Change is good, but it can also be painful for you and for those around you. Regardless, I am ready for change! Finally, I get this chapter was about my wasn't a roadblock for the was a springboard....all apart of the journey. Thank God, I dont have a reprobate mind....I am able to see how God loves me, receive his convictions and his promises, and never lose faith that I am one of his own. Even on my darkest days....I know God is there...HE keeps me. My mother has a card that she framed and on it there is a quote from Maya Angelou. It says, "God never leaves me, in my ignorance I have frequently thought I have left God, but that is all together impossible" India.Arie says " better thank God for that!"

Spring is here...... and I'm ready!

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming~ Diddy

For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 (New Living Translation)

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5 (NIV)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

winds of change

I feel really excited about the possibilities that lie ahead. This year is starting off pretty good, some things that I needed to let go or gone, some things I needed to change are changed, some things I needed to begin have begun. I think that is a good start. I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God, I am not where I used to be. I am really excited about some social activities I have coming up, getting involved in my community, and possibly joining a church. I realized over the last year I was in a self-imposed isolation, now it is time to come out and open myself back up to the universe. Sometimes we need to be isolated, to get alone with ourselves, the good, the bad, and the ugly, but you cant stay there. However, it is so easy to stay there, because it takes MAD ENERGY to be out in the land of the living. It takes physical, mental, and emotional energy! I realize it is okay to take time to refuel and rejuvenate and reflect, but I just have to make sure that I do just that! I have been traveling almost every weekend except one since 12/17 and I am TIRED. This weekend and for the next several weekends, I am looking forward to being in my own space, taking care of my home, getting rest and refueling for the next round of events. I still plan to get out and about, but it will be I can sleep in my own bed! LOL. It's all about balance for me and I am working really hard to get balanced in all areas. I am also working on learning to "stay in my lane" and knowing what my strengths and weaknesses are. When I was married, my ex-husband used to always say to me, "you don't think you are a leader, but you are a leader." He would encourage me to "make things happen" and to create the life I wanted. I recall feeling very lonely and as a result of my desire for companionship I created a Book Club. I never imagined it would be as successful as it was, but it lasted for 5 years and we all went through life changing experiences together while reading wonderful books together. I miss the ladies in that book club so much, but I realize that everything isn't meant to last forever. Some things are meant to be precious memories and introduce you to people who will influence your life but may not be in your life forever. I remain close to many of my old "book club" members and we all have a bond that I believe will last for a lifetime, even if we don't see each other or talk to each other frequently. My book club taught me many things: 1) I missed reading 2) opening yourself up to other people can be a safe place 3) I am a leader 4) real women celebrate, motivate, and encourage each other 5) life changes so quickly so love the moment you are in

So here I am again, needing to take charge and create the life I want, needing to open myself up to others again, needing to truly nurture my soul through literature and scripture, explore my interests, and connect with the universe spiritually, physically, and emotionally. When you send love in to yourself, it can't help but be sent out to the universe, and when you send love out, then love comes back. It's the boomerang effect...what you put out is what will come back. If you want a friend, you must show yourself as a friend first. In life, it is truly what YOU make one day at a time, I continue my glad the winds of change are blowing in my life once again!

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


So we are on the 11th day of many of your New Year's resolutions have you kept? Resolutions are easy to make, but hard to keep. I realize it is really all about a renewing of the mind and those that are around you. Like your mother probably said, "birds of a feather flock together." My biggest resolution is to hang around positive people. I know life is hard and we all have negative experiences that we could harp on, but where does that really get you? I realize I am affected by other people's energy, so it is my goal to only surround myself with positive energy. If that means I lose a few people, oh well...what I will gain is worth so much more. I still plan to talk about life, my it will be some negative in it, but I will always balance it with a positive spin. For example, my single woman plight continues. However, over the past few weeks I have met several men. Unfortunately, none of them panned out to anything. It's all good, because at least it reminded me that "mama's still got the mojo." LOL. The best part is that I am getting back out and opening myself back up to the possibility of love. I reflected on the place I was in 10 years ago when I met my future husband and future ex-husband (it's all good)....I was really in a good place. I was happy and I wasn't focused on my problems. I must have been putting positive energy out because my life was full of friends and year it seemed like I couldn't make any connections! Not just with men, but with females too...I know it was because I was being guarded. That came from being hurt by people I trusted and the guilt I carried from those I hurt. So this year I dropped those bags and opened myself back up. I realized even with all that hurt I am still standing, living, and moving forward. Most importantly, without all those experiences I wouldn't be where I am today or who I am today. So I count it ALL joy! This year will not be about resolutions...I take them all back...everyday I will just work on being a better, healthier, happier me..this year will be about a life revolution! It will be about getting BACK to happy, BACK to who God created me to be, BACK to me.

There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that~ India.Arie

You turned my wailing into dancing;
   you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy
Psalm 30:11