Push...Press...Pray

I have to admit...I've been in a dark place the last few months. Pain is a powerful thing. I happen to suffer from physical pain but I recognize that emotional and mental pain can be just as powerful (if not more)...Pain paralyzes you and limits you from moving forward...it keeps you stuck...trapped in a cloud.  It consumes you, plays tricks on your mind, it haunts you, and keeps you from being your best.

As a woman, how do you push through the pain? Like I've said many times before in this blog...nothing against my brothers, but I'm a woman and I can really only speak from a woman's perspective. Women are generally the backbone of the family ... They keep things humming along... Every woman is different. Some women are mothers, they care for the children...some are daughters they care for aging parents...some women are wives...they support their husbands... Some women are single... They support themselves. Regardless they all have a major role to play...so when pain comes in...there is no time to stop, because if you do...who is gonna do all that stuff? Plus, guilt sets in because women (in my opinion) are naturally nurturers...so if you have to "attend" to your pain (by you I mean me) you feel like you are neglecting something else. 

Slowly but surely I'm beginning to free my self from the death grip pain has on me...I'm realizing that my pain is telling me something. Things are out of alignment. For me it's my left hip that is causing me excruciating pain...it has literally brought me to an almost complete stop...it causes me to be a slave to my bed. I don't sleep well, I fight back tears as I limp around  at work, my social life is pretty much nil, and my self esteem is suffering. I'm sure at this point you are like, "but I thought you said you were getting free?" See that's the beauty of suffering...if you open your spirit enough...you find the purpose for your pain. Trust me, there's always a purpose. Remember you ARE Gods design...he already knew what you would go through, so this is your assignment. Accepting my assignment and listening to the spirit, I was able to see the seed God has planted. What I haven't quite been able to see is exactly how he wants me to sow the seed...that's okay....that is where my faith is being activated. For now, I'm gonna keep pushing and pressing my way. My pain has taught me a few things...1) I'm stronger than I ever knew 2) how to sit still 3) how to RECEIVE unconditional love 4) to share my story 5) God continues to keep me by His power, strength, grace, and mercy 6) recognition of what is most important 7) how to rest 8) that it's okay to take care of myself 9) I am not alone 10) how to move in faith

These are daily lessons...I haven't passed the test yet...but I'm listening and I'm learning...Pressing...Pushing...Praying...through my pain.

If you are suffering from pain, I pray you open your spirit to discover its purpose...

"So if you see me cry it's just a sign that I'm still alive...I've got some scars but I'm still alive. In spite of calamity, He still has a plan for me..And it's working for my good...And it's building my testimony." ~Marvin Sapp

Are your ready to accept the challenge?

Today I pushed myself and decided to try out chair yoga. I thought with my current physical limitations, this would be a good fit for me. I arrived at the studio, explained my physical limitations to the instructor, and spoke of how excited I was to try some gentle yoga. The first thing out of her mouth was, "well we don't really use the chair that much, except for support...can you get down on the mat?" Instantly, I felt the anxiety monster rising up. I started thinking "I can't even do this stupid gentle yoga...no I can't get on the stupid floor" but I just said, "all I can do is try my best." Then she said and "we will just modify what you can't do." So we began, there were lots of movements I couldn't do, but with the modifications I was able to participate the entire hour. Instead of getting in the mat, I did modified movements in the chair.  At the end she gave us a quote to meditate on (paraphrased): 

No one said life would be free of difficulty, but I am free to accept the challenge of this life. The challenge to change or adjust with difficulty or the challenge to remain and accept the way things are at the present moment.

It seems like I'm having a great deal of difficulties right now, my difficulties are health related, but maybe yours are something else. Whatever they are we are all free to accept the challenge. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to accept the "challenge" just that you accept it. 

I ended last year so excited about what the future would hold. What new lessons awaited? It has started off a little bumpy. It seems like this year is definitely going to be about acceptance and trust. Trusting God  despite what it looks like. Accepting his will for my life. Trusting that if he plants a seed in me, that he has a way for it to grow. Accepting that it's okay for me to make and accept modifications to achieve goals. Accepting and asking for help when I need it. Most importantly, accepting the challenge and not giving up. 

Today was a huge victory for me...I overcame emotional and physical obstacles and accomplished a goal...chair yoga.

If like me, life is seeming overwhelming right now, my prayer is that you will find a way to break it up in bite size pieces, set small goals, and celebrate every victory and accomplishment (no matter how small it may seem). Most importantly, my prayer for you and me is that we know and believe in the power of God, that we trust him, and know that nothing is too hard for our Lord.

"Behold, I am The Lord, the God of all living flesh. Is there anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:27 (Amplified)

A lesson in Acceptance

As most of you know by now, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've been pretty transparent about it but I still struggle with shame and fear related to my diagnosis. As a 39 year old ambitious woman I have gone through a long, painful journey of acceptance. I definitely feel that I am more accepting of my condition now as I approach 40. This is probably because I've struggled with the diagnosis for 22 years or perhaps because of an overall growth in confidence, spirituality, and submission to God's will for my life. Still, like any human I struggle with insecurities, anger, sadness, and even self-pity at times. I've learned not to beat myself up about it anymore because like I said "I'm human!" 

Recently, after years of hip pain and a recent decline in my mobility I made the decision to have a total hip replacement. It was a tough decision because of the financial impact, work responsibilities, fear, and all of the many reasons/excuses we use to not take care of ourselves, but ultimately I HAD to get the operation because I wasn't living anymore, the pain was literally killing me. I'm not the type of person who looks at anything in isolation. I'm very introspective and I'm always trying to see the purpose of what is happening. It's funny that 22 years ago when I was diagnosed I recall going to a support group for people with RA. I just sat there and cried and cried because I was the youngest person in the group and everyone was talking about various joint replacement surgeries, disability, and all kinds of depressing things. It was the guts! Fast forward to a week ago and I was in a class for individuals about to have joint replacement surgery, again I was the youngest person in the class. Again I began to think about how unfair it was, but this time I didn't cry. At 17, some 22 years ago I felt like I had lost control of my life...now at 39, I felt like I was taking control of my life. I had made the decision to do what I could to get my life back. 

Some people may not think it's a big deal, it's not like I have Cancer. However, this is my BiG deal and it's my cross to bear. Having a chronic condition is not only debilitating physically but it is draining emotionally and mentally. And despite ALL of that I have managed to live in spite of it. Ive had a successful professional life, great friends, wonderful experiences, and finally a special love. I have rough days, but I've managed to remain positive and face life with a smile, even when that smile is a mask. Along this journey I've met amazing people and read amazing stories about other young folks who have shown amazing perseverance and determination dealing with chronic conditions. I've seen faces of babies, children, adolescents, young and old adults who have faced their condition with such grace and courage. Their stories have inspired me and reminded me that I'm not alone. It also reminded me that the first step to freedom of any kind is acceptance. With acceptance, shame loses it's power. With acceptance, you learn to take control of what you can and let go of what you can't. It helps you identify what you need in your life and what and whom you have to eliminate from your life. For me acceptance  taught me to stop comparing myself to others, how to say no, to be comfortable in my own skin, to educate others about RA, to take care of myself, and most importantly to love myself in spite of my imperfections. Having RA had been a major roller coaster, but I thank God for my journey. It has made me more humble, compassionate, and empathetic. It's helping to define my purpose. It reminds me everyday that without God I can not function. He is the source of my strength. The last 6 weeks I have had to function without my medication as I prepared for surgery. I know it was God that sustained me because the amount of pain I was in was indescribable. The closer I got to surgery, the more the pain intensified. I literally felt like I was not going to survive. Just then, God spoke to me and said, "who will you believe. Me or the enemy?" I knew in that moment I was just on the other side of my breakthrough. Still, I'm human so I was in a spiritual battle all the way up until I was about to be put to sleep. Right before being sedated, I said, "God it's in your hands." Due to my RA I couldn't have general anesthesia, therefore I was aware of everything happening around me. I could feel my body being tugged, I could hear the saws cutting through bone, the hammers banging in new parts, I could hear the surgeon becoming frustrated because things weren't going perfectly. I felt the oxygen burning my nose, I felt like I couldn't breathe and at one point I even became nauseated. I was temporarily paralyzed from the waist down...this could have been scary stuff but I was at such peace. Within hours of the surgery, I felt like a new person. Everyone said I looked great, the doctors and nurses were surprised and my family and friends were enthusiastic. They expected me to be groggy, in pain,lethargic. Instead I was vibrant, happy, alert, and in minor pain. I didn't look like what I had been through.  Now I'm on the road to recovery. I'm taking an even more introspective look at my life. I'm a little less fearful and a lot more determined. I plan to get my other hip replaced in the near future. I don't plan to waste any more of my life in denial. I've submitted to God's will for my life. At 40, I still have a lot of life yet to live but I refuse to live it just existing, I plan to LIVE. 

At 17, I was diagnosed with RA right as I was supposed to start college and begin my life. I allowed RA to steal alot of time. I wasn't mentally or spiritually prepared or experienced to deal with what was happening. At 39, I've had a lot of experiences which have prepared me for this very moment. It's no coincidence that I had to have a hip replacement right before turning 40. This is my time. I feel it. Not only am I on the verge of a breakthrough,but I'm on the cusp of total restoration. It all started with acceptance.

What are you not accepting in your life? How is it holding you back? Are you living or existing?

HE gives me Courage....

Last night I watched a popular movie, one that I have seen many times. However, this time a particular scene really struck me. In the scene one of the main characters performed a spoken word piece about the courage to love. As she said the words, tears filled my eyes.

It takes courage to love again. When you've been hurt.
It takes pain and strength again
to pack it all away.
Somewhere, in all the pain,
someone has to have the courage
to be okay.
He gives me courage
to Love. (Excerpt, Madea's Family Reunion)

I know all too well about this courage it takes to love...again. Actually, I probably know more about the fear that exists which summons the courage. Like many women (I speak from the perspective of a woman because I am one) I've been hurt, abused, misused, and tossed aside at some point in my life. Four years ago, I went through a divorce. I must admit it was one of the hardest things I've been through in my adult life. Despite all of my professional accomplishments that were occurring simultaneously, I felt like a failure. People like to compare a breakup to a divorce but there is something different when you make a covenant with another and GOD. When it ended I felt such a huge sense of disappointment, loss, and shame. I felt like I let myself, my family, and more importantly God down when it ended. It took many years and lots of prayer, but today I'm much stronger. It is a daily walk, but I thank God for the lessons. Often in the midst of pain we focus on the pain or the tragedy and not the lesson or the grace of God. We often look at life through our human eyes and not our spiritual eyes. God says, there is nothing the believer can do to separate themselves from His love. God says in your weakness, I am made strong. God says, all things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to his purpose. God says, I love those who love me. There is NO greater love than the love of our God. Yet, I also believe God placed us on earth, in relationship with one another, to be an EXTENSION of HIS love. Despite all the pain, mistakes, and shame of the past I was blessed most recently with a love, that I once believed was out of my reach. A love that I once believed I didn't deserve, couldn't happen for me, or was unrealistic. Through introspection, prayer, faith, family, and friends the dark veil of shame lifted and I began to see myself how God sees me. Despite it all, HE loved me. Who was I not to love myself or to feel unworthy of love?

When watching the movie, hearing the poem, my initial response was to think of my Love, my man. Because yes, he does give me courage to love. His patience, kindness, compassion, and unconditional love have given me courage. Why? He is an extension of God's love. "love is patient, love is kind..." When I really reflected on the poem, the "HE" that gives me courage to love is my Father, my Redeemer, the first to ever love me...God.

If you are going through, have gone through, or if you eventually experience heart break, I pray you know God's love. Let it strengthen you to maintain the Courage to love AND be loved.


LOVE..."...it always protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres. Love never fails"

When in doubt, I encourage you to reflect on these scriptures:
1 Cor 13:5-8, Romans 8:37-39, Ephesians 2:4-5, 1 John 4:7-8, 1 Peter 5:6-7

Be Blessed!

signing off

I think this will be the last blog I write in this format. I guess I am just a little exhausted with sharing myself, opinions, and emotions with others, because no one really seems to care. I have spent a lot of my life considering others, trying to find right word, worrying about others, thinking of their feelings all to just get smacked in the face a lot of time when I need them the most. I used to think I was a person that was pretty transparent with my feelings, but I realize I hold a lot in. That is my fault and my issue. I read a status from a friend and it basically said stop playing the victim, there is responsibility in victimization. I was like wow, what a light bulb moment. This exhaustion I feel is self-imposed. The anger I feel is self-imposed, because I allow people to treat me certain ways. I am the queen of letting stuff burn and not saying anything. Well, I cant do that much longer. However, I am also a believer in words hurt, so you have to be careful what you say. At any rate, I am at a point in my life where I can only speak the truth. There so much energy that I need to pour in myself, that is where my focus needs to be. I am determined to get to a place where I am physically, mentally, and emotionally well. I wish you all the same......

Adversities=Opportunities

Well I finally made the big move and let's just say, things have not gone exactly as planned. This seems to be the story of my life. Thankfully time and experience have taught me not to expect things to go smoothly, so I wasn't shaken (too badly anyway) by the chain of events I've experienced. At the end of the day, I am happy to be home. Coming home is a strange thing, the familiarity is comforting, but returning to somewhere where life kept going with out you can also be very isolating. People are happy you are here, but don't expect a big homecoming celebration.. Life just keeps on ticking...Whether you go home or to an unfamiliar land, you still have to create your own life. Whatever conflicts you had internally or otherwise will still be with you when you unpack all the boxes and settle in. The people that were your support system before will probably be the same people who are your support system now (at least in the beginning). You are still YOU, just in a different place. Hopefully, the change you make in your life will present new opportunities to learn something new about yourself or about those in your family or even the city you are in. Hopefully, reconciliation will take place where it needs to, bonds will be strengthened, and goals will be achieved. My point is each chapter of life presents a new set of challenges but also many great benefits. When I reflect on the last chapter of my life, it is a story filled with many highs and many lows, but I know each of those experiences have made me who I am today. The last few years, were especially instrumental in the woman I am. I learned how to live and be alone, and how to really depend on God. I learned how to trust him, in the midst of the wilderness, and my faith was strengthened by that "wilderness experience." Having an unshakeable faith helped me to maintain through a crazy week last week. The old me, would have thrown up my hands and cried out "Why Lord? Why Me?" but the transformed me, cried out "Thank you Lord! I trust you!" The transformed me, sought to find the lesson that God was teaching me in my adversity...the transformed me turned to God for my answers and my peace. I'm so thankful, that He continues to work on me and that my heart continues to remain open so that I may draw nearer and nearer to Him. My best friend informed me that 8 is the number of new beginning, so I am very excited about this 8th month of the year. I realize now that last week had to happen to shake me up some, to cause me to reflect, refocus, and re-energize to prepare for my New Beginning. Whatever may go on in my life, I pray that I embrace my adversity because I know that it is just another opportunity for me to commune with my Creator and knowing that He only wants the best for me, is all the comfort I need. I thank you Lord, for the opportunity to praise your name!

See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake I do this. ISA 48:10,11

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:11-13

Judge Not

If you have been watching the news lately, you have seen two stories of powerful men who had great falls. As a result of these stories there have been lots of debate about the judgement of these men. Judgement is something I hate, as a matter of fact I've gotten into many discussions with friends about judgement. I hate being judged, but after reading these stories it made me start to think more about judgement and what it really means. I, like these men, have had some great failures. Luckily for me, it wasn't broadcast for the world to see, but it still felt like the world was judging me. Does anyone have the right to judge? If you are a "believer" then you probably believe that judgement should be left to God. I agree with this too, but I also think that as believers or friends for that matter we should be able to call people out on their wrongdoing. Especially when it might prevent them from making the same mistake twice. I think we often learn, unfortunately, from our mistakes and the consequences we suffer as a result of these mistakes. The next thing I've been battling is forgiveness. If you forgive someone and choose not to associate with them anymore or in the same way, does that mean you haven't really forgiven or that you are judging them or their behavior? I don't think so. Sometimes, when you forgive, you forgive and move on. Sometimes when you disapprove of someone's behavior it doesn't mean that you are sentencing them to judgement, sometimes it means you have turned them over to the universe. Sometimes you recognize that the battle is not yours. Like, I said earlier I have had some great failures, and I am thankful for God's forgiveness, but I also know that I have to be and will be held accountable for my actions. I am a survivor of abuse, most of my friends know this, because it is not a source of shame for me. I have forgiven my abuser, but I still find it very hard to associate with this person. The biggest reason is because they have not acknowledged their wrongdoing. The other reason is because it doesnt make me feel good and makes me feel unsafe when I am around this person. The judgement for their actions will be left to God. However, I am free because I have forgiven them and moved on. When people tell you how to forgive and that you shouldn't judge, aren't they essentially judging you? My point is, we all judge in some form or another, but the ultimate judgement is left to God. Back to the two men in the news...we in society should not forget that we are all guilty of sin and we all have fallen short, but these men must acknowledge that they abused trust and power. If we choose to not hold them in a position of power anymore, that is our right. We shouldn't throw rocks but we definitely don't have to continue to shower them with praise, especially when they are blatantly wrong. Just as I had to suffer consequences for my behavior, so must these men. Just as I have been restored so can these men. My biggest prayer is that these failures cause these men to turn their eyes completely towards God, because clearly they took their eye off the prize. God has a way of making us acknowledge who He is and that He is he all powerful. He will humble us in our weakness and sin. If we are smart, we will get the lesson and repent to sin no more. Isn't it a blessing that God is our ultimate judge and that the Blood of Jesus is here to save us? Thank God we don't have to rely on man for that. Personally, I have learned to forgive because it frees me, most importantly I forgive because I want to be forgiven. I try not to judge because I don't want to be judged. I remove myself from situations because the battle is not mine, and it is not my load to bear. I pray because I want to hear from God and do what He would have me to do, not what you would have me to do. My level of forgiveness is between me and God, so judge not, lest ye be judged.

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. 2Corinthians 5:10

the best is yet to come....

This weekend I celebrated my 37th birthday. It was such a wonderful celebration. The celebration actually began Memorial Day weekend when my cousins and best friend came up to go to a wine festival. This past weekend was probably one of the best I have had in a long time, I was surrounded by so much love it was overwhelming at times. Overwhelming in a good way that is...I have lived in this little town for the past two years and I spent the first year of it reserved, withdrawn, and in unhealthy relationships. Thank God I am who He created me to be, despite my attempts to be otherwise, because I allowed myself to trust and open up again. As a result of that, I have met and developed friendships that I will cherish forever. I also realized that I am finally free from my past pain. The thing about being hurt is that it causes you to not just lose faith or trust in the opposite sex, but in people altogether. However, I have learned some valuable lessons that I hope to carry with me. Whatever you put out in the universe will definitely come back. Put bad things out there and bad things come back, put goodness out there and goodness comes back. I know there are people who will argue with me, because they think they are loving people and they don't seem to get love back. I used to think like that too, but this weekend reminded me that I get so much love back. I am truly a blessed woman. Despite all that has happened, some good and some bad, I continue to view my life as blessed. I truly believe that God is preparing me for great things. At 37, I know the best is yet to come....

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Redemption Song....

Today is a beautiful day! I went out to one of my favorite brunch spots and enjoyed a yummy feast to get my day started. While I dined alone, I decided to read the paper. There was a story about a gentleman on the front page of the local section and the title was from "From Drug Addict to Employee of the Year". I started to skip reading it, but something told me it would be an interesting read. To summarize, the article was basically about an older gentleman's journey from drug addiction to salvation and redemption. It recounted his life, the mistakes he had made, crimes committed, the people he injured, and how a near death experience actually saved his life and was the first step in road to recovery from addiction. He came from a good family and like most people he had some troubling experiences in his life including molestation, trouble with the law, being an absentee father, being a drug dealer, and drug addiction. In the end after being beaten with in inches of his life, the one person in the neighborhood who still held compassion for him called the police. When the police arrived, the man begged the officer to arrest him...surprisingly he didn't have any outstanding warrants and had not broken any laws for which he could be arrested. Instead of taking the man to jail, the officer took him to Samaritans Ministries where they fed and clothed him. After a few weeks with Samaritan Ministries he decided to attend a local church and despite his less than desirable smell and appearance, strangers took interest in him and offered him assistance. Thirty days after his road to recovery began he began volunteering for a local program where he offered mentoring and guidance to individuals who were on the path he previously traveled. Later he went on to become a cook at a local restaurant. He spoke of how he tried to reconcile with his sons, it went well with one son and not so well with the other. Anyway, the article ended with him acknowledging his mistakes, apologizing for his transgressions, and accepting that he had to be held accountable for the choices he had made. The best part was seeing how he he had submitted to God and how the darkest days of his life prepared him for the brightest. He remained hopeful. As I read the article, with tears burning my eyes, it made me think of my own life. Often when we are going through our own dark days it seems like the days are darkest only for us. The reality is that most people face the same darkness, just in different circumstances.  The article reaffirmed that nothing is too big for God and the end, when we submit to His will...He will always get the glory. "But God", my journey could have mirrored this man's. Perhaps this was the path he had to take to get to what God ultimately had for him all the time. Like this man, my past is filled with mistakes, things I am not proud of, consequences for my actions, and lack of reconciliation. However, I believe all of my experiences were for me to understand just how big God is. It reminded me, that true peace comes from complete submission to God's will. It also comes from learning from mistakes and moving forward. As the man said in the article, some will always see him for who he used to be, and that's ok, because the one's that matter will see him for who he is today. For this man, he received his Redemption...and so can we. Thank God, if we are blessed to open our eyes each day, we can always be better today than yesterday.


I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed thee. Isaiah 44:22

Spring is here!

Wow...I cant believe it has been 2 months since I've written anything. I guess I got distracted by life! Lots of good and not so good things have happened in the past 2 months. Some relationships ended, some began, others have been repositioned. It's spring time now and thank goodness winter is over! I know we should be thankful for all things created by God, and I know Winter served a purpose in my life...but my favorite time of year is Spring! It doesn't have the sweltering heat of Summer and it doesn't have the bitter cold of Winter. I also love Fall. I love Spring and Fall the best, because you get to see so many beautiful changes! Leaves changing colors in Fall, flowers blooming in Spring. In Fall it seems that we are settling down from the fun and hectic times of summer and in spring we are gearing up from the slumber and cold of winter. Also, spring brings about both the literal and figurative urge for "Spring Cleaning"! Let's just say I've been doing a better job of my figurative spring cleaning ( separating from people with negative energy, establishing better boundaries, eliminating people who dont serve a purpose in my life, and trying like hell to let go of the past!) than my literal spring clean (umm...there's still alot of crap in my apartment! LOL). Anyway, I am hopeful about what this spring will bring. A dear friend of mine is truly seeing God's love and promises manifested as she prepares to bring life to the world! My mother is venturing out as an entrepreneur, she is not only establishing a business but she is also providing a ministry (she doesn't know it yet, well maybe she does, but I know she didn't plan it). As for me, I am about to start yet another new chapter in my life. It's time to close the book on this one. It has been filled with love, pain, mistakes, regrets, transgressions, accomplishments, failures, reconnections, disconnections, new connections, but most of all I can see where it has been filled with tremendous growth. I used to feel like in the past few years I have experienced the  greatest failures in my life, and trust there were some big falls, but now I finally see how God had to move in MY life so that I could return my focus to HIM. I see how he never leaves nor forsakes me. I see how out of my pain came so much strength. I see how things that happened in my life led to me reconnecting with some friends. I must say I have some wonderful friends, I have a wonderful family. I am blessed to have support and love all around me. I am thankful that those relationships will remain in the next chapter. I recall many years ago, my old roommate said to me when you think about someone do you see them in the future, if not then why waste your time? Why hold on? She has never said truer words. Change is good, but it can also be painful for you and for those around you. Regardless, I am ready for change! Finally, I get this chapter was about my growth...lessons...it wasn't a roadblock for the future...it was a springboard....all apart of the journey. Thank God, I dont have a reprobate mind....I am able to see how God loves me, receive his convictions and his promises, and never lose faith that I am one of his own. Even on my darkest days....I know God is there...HE keeps me. My mother has a card that she framed and on it there is a quote from Maya Angelou. It says, "God never leaves me, in my ignorance I have frequently thought I have left God, but that is all together impossible"....as India.Arie says "....you better thank God for that!"

Spring is here...... and I'm ready!

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming~ Diddy

For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 (New Living Translation)


Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5 (NIV)

winds of change

I feel really excited about the possibilities that lie ahead. This year is starting off pretty good, some things that I needed to let go or gone, some things I needed to change are changed, some things I needed to begin have begun. I think that is a good start. I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God, I am not where I used to be. I am really excited about some social activities I have coming up, getting involved in my community, and possibly joining a church. I realized over the last year I was in a self-imposed isolation, now it is time to come out and open myself back up to the universe. Sometimes we need to be isolated, to get alone with ourselves, the good, the bad, and the ugly, but you cant stay there. However, it is so easy to stay there, because it takes MAD ENERGY to be out in the land of the living. It takes physical, mental, and emotional energy! I realize it is okay to take time to refuel and rejuvenate and reflect, but I just have to make sure that I do just that! I have been traveling almost every weekend except one since 12/17 and I am TIRED. This weekend and for the next several weekends, I am looking forward to being in my own space, taking care of my home, getting rest and refueling for the next round of events. I still plan to get out and about, but it will be local...so I can sleep in my own bed! LOL. It's all about balance for me and I am working really hard to get balanced in all areas. I am also working on learning to "stay in my lane" and knowing what my strengths and weaknesses are. When I was married, my ex-husband used to always say to me, "you don't think you are a leader, but you are a leader." He would encourage me to "make things happen" and to create the life I wanted. I recall feeling very lonely and as a result of my desire for companionship I created a Book Club. I never imagined it would be as successful as it was, but it lasted for 5 years and we all went through life changing experiences together while reading wonderful books together. I miss the ladies in that book club so much, but I realize that everything isn't meant to last forever. Some things are meant to be precious memories and introduce you to people who will influence your life but may not be in your life forever. I remain close to many of my old "book club" members and we all have a bond that I believe will last for a lifetime, even if we don't see each other or talk to each other frequently. My book club taught me many things: 1) I missed reading 2) opening yourself up to other people can be a safe place 3) I am a leader 4) real women celebrate, motivate, and encourage each other 5) life changes so quickly so love the moment you are in

So here I am again, needing to take charge and create the life I want, needing to open myself up to others again, needing to truly nurture my soul through literature and scripture, explore my interests, and connect with the universe spiritually, physically, and emotionally. When you send love in to yourself, it can't help but be sent out to the universe, and when you send love out, then love comes back. It's the boomerang effect...what you put out is what will come back. If you want a friend, you must show yourself as a friend first. In life, it is truly what YOU make it...so one day at a time, I continue my journey....so glad the winds of change are blowing in my life once again!


Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19

Revolution>Resolution

So we are on the 11th day of January...how many of your New Year's resolutions have you kept? Resolutions are easy to make, but hard to keep. I realize it is really all about a renewing of the mind and those that are around you. Like your mother probably said, "birds of a feather flock together." My biggest resolution is to hang around positive people. I know life is hard and we all have negative experiences that we could harp on, but where does that really get you? I realize I am affected by other people's energy, so it is my goal to only surround myself with positive energy. If that means I lose a few people, oh well...what I will gain is worth so much more. I still plan to talk about life, my life...so it will be some negative in it, but I will always balance it with a positive spin. For example, my single woman plight continues. However, over the past few weeks I have met several men. Unfortunately, none of them panned out to anything. It's all good, because at least it reminded me that "mama's still got the mojo." LOL. The best part is that I am getting back out and opening myself back up to the possibility of love. I reflected on the place I was in 10 years ago when I met my future husband and future ex-husband (it's all good)....I was really in a good place. I was happy and I wasn't focused on my problems. I must have been putting positive energy out because my life was full of friends and men...lol...last year it seemed like I couldn't make any connections! Not just with men, but with females too...I know it was because I was being guarded. That came from being hurt by people I trusted and the guilt I carried from those I hurt. So this year I dropped those bags and opened myself back up. I realized even with all that hurt I am still standing, living, and moving forward. Most importantly, without all those experiences I wouldn't be where I am today or who I am today. So I count it ALL joy! This year will not be about resolutions...I take them all back...everyday I will just work on being a better, healthier, happier me..this year will be about a life revolution! It will be about getting BACK to happy, BACK to who God created me to be, BACK to me.


There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that~ India.Arie


You turned my wailing into dancing;
   you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy Psalm 30:11

Thank you

I don't know who you are but according to my stats people are reading this blog all over the world! While I may not know who you are, you know a little bit about who I am. Maybe my story is one you can relate to, perhaps you have struggle in your life...things you didn't know you could get past. Perhaps you too have found the ability to find joy in the little things. Perhaps you have found a way to thank God for good and the bad in your life. Perhaps you have found a way to "count it all joy". Perhaps you know what it feels like to experience loneliness and the joy and hope of love. Whatever your story is, perhaps you saw a little bit of your experience in my experiences or perhaps my experiences have made you even more grateful for your own. Whatever your reason is for reading, thank you for taking the time. Blogging has been very therapeutic for me. It is helping me dig a little deeper and go a little harder on this journey we call life.While I started this blog just for me...the biggest blessing I get is when I receive messages from others who can relate or messages just to say thank you for writing that today, it blessed me...I hope you keep reading, I know 2011 will bring about some exciting times, growth, and experience...teaching me more and more each day that there is truly "beauty for ashes".

Happy New Year! Catch you in 2011!

Transition

Well it is officially the last day of the year...2010 is coming to a close! It's been an interesting close of the year, but I remain hopeful. My biggest hope is that in the next year strongholds will be released from my life and from the lives of those I hold nearest and dearest to my heart. I read somewhere that 11 signifies transition...well I feel my life is going through major transition. I also feel like my family is going through major transition. It seems like yesterday, my cousins and I were all playing at my grandmother's house and our biggest obstacle was what rules we would follow for UNO, or who had to wash, rinse, or dry the dishes (not my male cousin, his only task was the garbage!). I grew up in a family of women. There is only one male per generation, for the last 4 generations, so we are a family of strong women. We had to be! Our mom's take care of us, even now and we are all close to 30 or in our mid-thirties (hard to believe b/c we come from such great genes you wouldn't know it...lol). Holiday dinners are always prepared by the "Momma's" as we call them with love, but they have started entrusting us to the side dishes...and we have gotten pretty good! However, now it is time for us to start making the main dish, the turkey,the ham, the roast...it's time for us to start taking the lead and let the "momma's" sit back and relax. It's time to pass the torch...as much as we hate it, it's a necessary part of life...we have to be prepared so that we can then pass the torch on as well. Change is not always easy, but it can be good. With change or transition comes the potential for failure but also the potential for success...so our turkey may not be as good as our mom's but it will be in time...and if we cant make it, we know how to order it! (Most people get a fried turkey anyway now) The point is, it's TIME.

I am blessed to come from a family where my "extended family" is my IMMEDIATE family. My cousins and I are more like siblings and my aunts are more like second mothers. I didn't understand how "different" we were until I became an adult and realized everyone didn't do it like my family did. I come from great stock...great women, who come from a great woman...strong women, who come from a strong woman....god fearing women, who come from a god fearing woman...resourceful women, who come from a resourceful woman. Even still there are strongholds that exist...out of respect for my family I will not discuss those here. I am praying that my family will break strongholds and continue to walk in the greatness from which we were created. It's time to transition, it's time for the little girl inside of us to take a back seat, as my BFF says all the time. With that transition, comes great responsibility, and with that responsibility comes great influence. I am ready to walk in my greatness...I am ready to transition.



I'm the daughter of a great woman, 
who is the daughter of a great woman,
now I'm just trying to be a great woman....JPF

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 1Cor13:11

L.I.P (Live in Peace)...Effective Immediately

Today we lost a musical legend, Teena Marie. Facebook lit up with lots of statuses giving her praise, links to her songs, and praying for her peaceful rest in eternity. I am sure her record sales will increase starting tomorrow. I remember when Michael Jackson passed away, I bought several cd's, t-shirts, dvd, and it seemed like I couldn't get enough of MJ. Now, I have to admit I want to get a best of Teena Marie cd (yeah I am behind on technology...lol), but I have never bought her music before. I have always liked her but I never felt moved to buy her music. Why is we often see value in people and things when they are gone? This year I also lost two peers, who I considered friends. Facebook has been great for reconnecting and staying connected, but there is still nothing like the human connection. I recall one of my friends passing away the morning after I had spoken to him. We all know death is a part of life, but when it comes it always seems to side-swipe us. I am a spiritual person, so I believe that people (who are believers) are definitely in a better place when they leave this earthly place. Still, even the most spiritual person feels a sense of loss when our loved ones leave. I can only speak for myself, so I won't speak for you, but for me there is always a sense of unfinished business, unspoken words, things I should have, would have done...I remember when my friend passed, I thought about the several times we planned to get together when I would be in town, but for some reason it never happened....it was always "next time"...then it was too late.

As humans, we take tomorrow for granted. We assume tomorrow I will do this, tomorrow I will say that, tomorrow I will forgive, tomorrow I will stop this, tomorrow I will etc, etc...but tomorrow turns into days, days turn into weeks, weeks to months, months to years. There are 5 days left in 2010. This is the time of year when many people reflect on the past year and make plans and "resolutions" for the next year. We all have done it, "in january I will...." As the saying goes, why put off to tomorrow, what you can do today? Prior to hearing of the passing of Teena Marie today, I had been reflecting myself...like most of you, I was planning my "resolutions". Saying, "in 2011 I am...I will...I won't"...but 2011 is 5 days away...this is the mistake we make...assuming tomorrow will be here. I remember as a child, my grandmother would have me say a bedtime prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." This prayer gives reverence to God, acknowledges that tomorrow is not promised, and submits a request that God will allow us to rest with him when we leave this earthly place. There are alot of things in my life that must be resolved, effective immediately. I can't wait until 2011, I can't wait until tomorrow. Time to forgive, call a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, embrace those I love and that love me, remove toxic people and habits, have a little more patience with others, pray more, make the right people and the right things a priority, and find joy in each day. I am sure I will stumble along the way, but I will do my best to take advantage of today and not take for granted tomorrow. Still, I look forward to what is to come tomorrow and in 2011, if it is my will to see it.  When loved ones pass we often say R.I.P (Rest In Peace)...well, death is guaranteed but while I can I want to L.I.P (Live in Peace)...Effective Immediately. I pray for comfort for the family of Teena Marie and for all families who have lost a loved one, but most of all I pray that those who have passed on had found a way to live in peace.

R.I.P Teena Marie...L.I.P family and friends......

Jesus said
"I am he who supplies all your needs"
And you said
"I know, but tomorrow, ooh, tomorrow, ill give my life
tomorrow, I thought about today, but it's so much easier to say...Tomorrow, 
who promised you tomorrow,
better choose the lord today, for
tomorrow very well might be too late.~The Winans



Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:13-14

This Little Light of Mine

Around 2AM there will be a total lunar eclipse! How exciting! I had to google what actually happens during a total lunar eclipse, it is when the earth, moon, and sun are completely aligned, with the earth in the middle. I started to think about this, I saw an image of the earth between light and darkness...however both the sun and the moon provide illumination. Then I started thinking about the word "illumination", so I looked it up. Definition: an observable property and effect of light (per wikipedia). Then, something (I say God) told me to see if there was a lunar eclipse on the day of my birth...I couldn't believe it when I saw that there was actually a partial lunar eclipse on the month, day, and year of my birth. So then I really started thinking. What could all this mean? I started thinking about my life...how I was born: to teenage parents, born with illness, my life: suffering with illness throughout my life, sexual abuse, my father not being in my home, great failures and great accomplishments, great loves and great heartaches, marriage and divorce, dreams accomplished, dreams deferred, dreams never to be seen....my adulthood: great friends, relationships ending, dependence, interdependence, co-dependence, and finally independence...my experiences: good decisions, bad decisions, happiness, depression, surrounded by loved ones, wilderness...darkness and light...night and day. I started to wonder what will be my "observable property and effect of light"? Then I looked up the word "eclipse" Definition: a temporary or permanent dimming or cutting off of light (one definition per wikipedia). Then I thought to myself, my light is God. I am so thankful that he is the creator of all things, therefore his light can never be eclipsed. So the sun and the moon (day and night/good and evil/lightness and darkness) have always continued to shine light on me, shine light on my situation, shine light on my growth, and shine light on who God created me to be. It's time to start walking in my light. Maybe that night on June 4, 1974 when I was born under a partial lunar eclipse it was to remind me that darkness will come (my light may be dimmed) but there is always going to be light (God, hope, love) over my life. So I am learning to walk in the light, to see the light, even when that light seems so small....I know it is there...it cannot be totally eclipsed. My decision is that I will not let anyone, any situation or circumstance permanently dim my light. I will not be eclipsed. Whatever your darkness is, I encourage you to walk in the light! I pray that my "observable property and effect of light" (my testimony) will be that I am God's child. What will be yours?

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his 
light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the 
glory of God in the face of Christ. 2Corinthians 4:6 

*I encourage you to read all of 2Corinthians Chapter 4* 

Game Over

Competition is meant for sports, jobs, and other aspects of life, but it is not meant for love. If you have to compete in love, you have already lost. I am a single woman, and it is not easy. Last night I was having a moment and I called my mom, and she knew just what to say. The thing I appreciate about my mom is she is willing to share her own experiences, openly and honestly. I think if people were a little more transparent we could see we are not crazy, everyone makes mistakes, and learn from the lessons of others. So I will admit, I have shared a man, sometimes knowingly and sometimes not. We all make excuses, "everyone is doing it...this is just how men are...it's not my problem...if she was keeping him happy he wouldn't be here with me...etc etc" The worst lie we tell ourselves, is that we can do enough, be enough, love enough that he will CHOOSE us. This is the very moment, when you have already lost the game. Once you become a player of the game, you become a loser of the game. Now I am sure there are some folks out there who can give a testimony of how their story didn't turn out that way, there are exceptions to every rule...but 9 times out of 10 you will lose. My mom told me last night don't be so desperate for companionship that you lose yourself or your integrity. Last year, I suffered a really bad hurt. I found out I was in a competition I didn't even know I was in. Honestly, I am still getting over it and the pain that came with it. I couldn't understand, how someone I loved so much, could hurt me so bad. My competitor and I talked and discussed the game we were both a part of it, and to be honest it was pretty sick. However, in the end I lost (or so I thought) because he was choosing her and not me. So through the pain, anger, and tears I have had a lot of time to reflect and evaluate. Often as women, we try to do things that we were not created to do. We try to play the games of "men" (who are really insecure boys) but that is not who we were created to be...so while we try to play the game, we always get played.

Sometimes the competition is not another player, maybe it's a job, emotions, a parent, friends..etc, etc....one thing I have learned in my 36 years is people are always right where they want to be and doing exactly what they want to do. Well, I've played this game way too long, reached all the levels, and my last man has fallen off the cliff...game over! Maybe I'm old school, maybe I believe the man chooses the woman, maybe I believe God created woman as a helpmate for man to cherish, maybe I don't believe in SisterWives (lol)...but whatever it is I know God didn't create me for objectification, degradation, humiliation, or disrespect. Like alot of my fellow sisters, I have a lot of love to give...I just have to give it to the right person...and the first person I must give it to is ME. So in the end, in my competition I didn't lose...I won...you who entered me into play..you lost. So however, you have to get out of the game, do it..forfeit...press reset..whatever you do make sure it's GAME OVER.


Why do I play? I’d rather play alone
I can’t play the fool anymore, no
No, I don’t need a game anymore, you could play the fool
I’ma play my hero, you gonna be a zero
I’d rather play alone, I can’t play the fool anymore
I don’t need a game anymore, you could play the fool
I’ma play my hero, you gonna be a zero
I’m playing the goodbye game...Chrisette Michelle

The Kitchen Table

Like most homes, especially old homes, people always gather in the kitchen. Growing up in my home, people were always at our house and when they were there they were always at the kitchen table. I recall my mom sitting at the table with her friends talking, giving advice, or playing Bid Wist! Luckily, my mom didn't play eating all over the house, so we always ate at the kitchen table too. As a teen, there were many silent meals, but as I got older oh the conversations she and I had. Now, that I am an adult, I get to sit at the "grown folks" table and I cherish the many conversations that take place at the kitchen table. My mom is my best friend and I have received a lot of advice from her at that table and some of my closest friends aka her other "children" have also benefited from the blessings and wisdom that was given over that kitchen table. Dreams, hopes, fears, tears, laughs, and hopes have all been discussed over that kitchen table. So tonight, I'll just reflect on some of that advice and share some of it with you.

Like my momma always says...:

"Whatever choices you make, make sure you can live with the consequences."

"Trust God, not man...man will let you down, God won't"

"What God has for you, is for you"

"Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't worth it, you are!"

"Nobody has to wake up with your life but you"

"Nobody is perfect. Everyone has their s%*!...even you"

"Find something in life that you are passionate about"

"Sometimes you have to just look in the mirror and say I'm beautiful"

"You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped"

"You can't take care of others, if you haven't taken care of yourself"

"People and things can't make you happy"

"Don't give so much of yourself, til you don't have anything left"

"When people show you who they are believe them"

"You are not the lamb"


These are just a few bits of advice she has given me over the years. I hope it blessed you as much as it has blessed me. Next to God, my mother gives me strength. She is the strongest woman I know. She raised me as a single parent and always makes me feel like I was the greatest gift God created. In addition, she modeled the type of woman I hope to be: humble, giving, compassionate, loving, beautiful, stylish, resourceful, and trusting in the Lord at all times. I didn't only get nourishment for my body at the kitchen table in my home, but I also received nourishment for my soul...thank God for my mother and thank God for the Kitchen Table.


Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.Proverbs 31:29

What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas?

I know it has been a long time...I made one of the mistakes I often tend to make...getting sidetracked! Or rather not taking time for me. I guess a better statement is not taking the time to do the things I want to do or need to do, or not doing the things I need to do but don't want to do (i.e., going through mail).  My mommy tells me is there is always something that needs to be done (like that unopened mail...lol), it's up to me to take advantage of those times when I am alone to be productive or to reconnect to myself or those things I enjoy...like blogging :-)

It's easy to get caught up with people or activities, then you become dependent on those things, neglect yourself, and then boom....all those people and activities are unavailable or gone. Then you are left alone and bored. I've come a long way, but I admit I am one of those people who hates being alone. I've adjusted to it, because I had to, but it is still one of my least favorite things to do. In the last year, I've felt alone more than I've felt connected. One of my friends reminds me that being in the "wilderness" can be a good thing, and it has in many ways, but it is still horrendously hard! I guess we weren't meant to be alone. I even read a spiritual devotional this morning and it talked about one of the four human weaknesses is fear of being alone. If you are like me, you are one of those person's that has to answer the phone when it rings or return a text as soon as it comes. Part of it is politeness and part of it is the need to feel connected. My goal is to get comfortable in being disconnected, to carve out a time in the day that is just for me (without interruption), and to find peace in solitude.

I am realizing that in the end, whether I am single or in a relationship, in a city with all of friends and family or a city by myself, I have to depend on myself and on God. In the end, that is all any of us have. My mommy used to say (at the height of my spirals of being alone) that man will always let you down, but God won't, so learn to depend on him. I guess I am still learning that. Being alone is also a great time to pray and reconnect with God. It is in these silent moments,when you can hear from God and commune with him. I believe there is a lot God wants me to hear from him, and a lot he wants to hear from me. I've been asking myself, "what do the lonely do at Christmas?" I guess, they do what everyone else does, put up decorations and spend time with friends and family, or as one my friends said "grin and bear it." In the end, we are not truly alone, for God is with us...How awesome is that?


“A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me." John 16:32

for colored boys

So, I read a review about Tyler Perry's new movie For Colored Girls today that I had to respond to. The author of the article, a man, basically bashed the movie for it's portrayal of the black man.While I could provide an excellent rebuttal of some of the accusations and also point out the many negative portrayals of the black woman in the media, I can see the authors point. Unfortunately, the portrayal of black men and women in the media leaves much to be desired. Instead, as a black woman, I wanted to lift up my brothers. While there are many negative experiences I could recount, I must say I LOVE the black man...just like my Sisters, I love the diversity of the black man...from smart and clean edged, eccentric and poetic, athletic and strong, political and opinionated, spiritual and deep, even the one's with a little roughness about them. The black man is the love of my life! There are many good black men out here. For every negative experience I've had, I can name a positive experience with my Brothers. I know many black men who are excellent fathers, grandfathers, uncles,brothers and cousins, loyal and faithful husbands, constant and platonic friends, spiritual advisors and partners, etc, etc, etc....MOST black men are not criminals, on the down-low, fresh out of jail, addicted to drugs, abusive, uneducated, womanizers, etc, etc...Like most PEOPLE there are good and bad apples in every bunch. The first black man I ever loved was my Daddy.  Like alot of young black people, I was the product of young teenage parents. So I am not going to lie, there have been some trying and disappointing moments in our daddy/daughter relationship. However, one thing I could always appreciate was my daddy's presence in my life. The influence he has had on me and the memories I have are priceless. My love of music, my ability to laugh at myself, forgive myself, my shyness, my spiritual growth are all things I owe, in part, to my daddy. I was blessed enough to have a father who could be both strong and sensitive, laugh and cry in front of me, admit wrong-doing, has a strong faith, is spiritual, and who shows thanks for the relationship he has with his children. I love that I can count on my daddy to cook a meal for me, and when we sit down at the table to share the meal we have the best conversations! One of my favorite childhood memories is my daddy running up to hug me after playing basketball...this was a tradition...after each game, he would run up, all sweaty, and give his "baby girl" a hug (yep he took his little girl with him to his playground games!)...I would squirm and try to run, but all the while I couldn't wait for that hug...LOL...I also remember a bedtime game we used to play where I would hide under the covers and he would pretend to not be able to find me, once he did, he would lift me up and fly me around like I was an airplane and tuck me back in the bed and give me a kiss...I also remember, him trying to do my hair as a little girl...LOL...can we say disaster...or the one and only time I remember him spanking me (which was more like a pop on the hand) and he felt so bad when I cried we went to get ice cream...LOL...Like I said earlier, it wasn't all peaches and cream. I am also a product of divorce, so their are alot of sad memories that were created as a result of being the child of a young father, but life goes on and at the end of the day it is what you choose to focus on...Now, I focus on the relationship and friendship I have with my daddy and knowing that I always was and always will be his "baby girl"! Is my daddy perfect? NO! Is the black man perfect? NO! Like my daddy once told me, "I've got a lot of atoning to do"....so does the black man. Does this mean we should love the black man any less? NO...while we hold our brothers accountable, we should always remember to lift them up and celebrate them..To my sisters, if you know or have a good black man, make sure you do what our foremothers have done for years, hold him down (slang for support him), lift him up, praise him, respect him...and make sure he gets the big piece of chicken! LOL ....So to the author of that article, please don't commit homicide brother...the rainbow is enough!

He's misunderstood, some say that he's up to no good around the neighborhood
But fo' your information - alot of my brothers got education....
Black Brotha, I love ya, I will never - try to hurt ya
I want ya, to know that, I'm here for you - forever true- Angie Stone